I know you. You were me.

I can see the silhouette of an answer. It's becoming clear. Whether thought through or not, it's becoming clear. The whole process of thinking through something sometimes gives the answer itself.

I know this. I know this feeling, this path. A path whose air is so uncanny, so familiar. But, only this time round, I'm not trekking down the path with a bagful of negative thoughts and confusion. I'm walking with the knowledge that this is the path that I had to take anyway, and beyond this path, will be a door that will lead to a world of new options and choices. The world has not been decided, I guess.

But, I walk it, bravely this time. I keep walking and walking. I am not afraid of you. I know you. You were me.

Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...


Answer - Sarah McLachlan

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

I can't wake up from this

I can see the door closing in front of me. It's not closing violently, but like an executioner with a blunt blade, it's closing with a creak so painful to hear.

I felt compelled to hold it open. Yet, I know it is beyond me to hold it open. I stand rooted to where I am, heart wrenched from the slow creaking sound, desperately wanting to either pull it apart or run to the other side before it closes on me. But I know the other side has no place for me; it's a place that doesn't belong to me and I don't belong there. In a way, I'm thankful I don't belong there. But, I just don't want to see the door closed, and the world divided into my side and the other side.

Still, I stay where I am. There is a certain force that holds me back, that tells me this is the best distance for me to keep, that should I venture any nearer to the other side, I will lose myself. I will make things end up so bad that I will regret even attempting, just like the last times.

So, I stand still. I am without a voice, without any thoughts of my own, without any strength to resist anything that will be decided for me and against me. But, there's something I feel, something that's frighteningly familiar. I don't want to acknowledge that feeling, but I know it's there. It's too familiar for me to deny its existence.

It's the feeling of tears running from the inside of my eyes into my lungs, into my heart, and my heart valves open up to swallow the tears in, every tear a feeling of helplessness.

Then, I woke up. But, realised that I wasn't asleep at all. This is reality.

If you can hear me

Dear God,

Today, I think I will believe in your existence up there. Sorry to say, but just today. I will always wonder if You are not also friends of Allah, Shakyamuni and whoever else the others believe in. I will always wonder if all of you live amicably up there. But, today, just today, I think I will believe you are the Only One.

Like all of the rest, I'm doing this because I have a favour to ask of you. But unlike the rest, I reckon that You don't have to grant me my wish. I do not expect wishes come true just cos I believe in You today. Still, I wish.

I wish for your help in granting him happiness and a peaceful state of mind. I wish for your help in giving him success at his exams. I wish for your help in making him see his own strengths just that bit more than his shortcomings. I wish for your help in making him love himself better.

You might have sent me on this task. Just like everyone of us is here for a good reason. But, help me in my task. Even though I wonder at your exclusive existence.

He believes in You. Today, I will too. Help us both.