1/4 gone

Too bad today has faded as a day of great significance to one that is just in-passing.

I regret that you have not learnt how to appreciate and cherish the people in your life.

I regret that you have not known the value of respecting another and in so doing, gaining self-respect.

I regret that you have not learnt that courage is in facing your fears and not running away from them.

I regret that you have not admitted your strengths, instead of dwelling on your weaknesses.

I regret that you have chosen to succumb to the structures instead of digging your own tunnel out.

I regret that you have totally rejected your past without mapping out your future yet.

I regret that you have been grossly mistaken that I did not want to let you go, instead of realising that you kept hanging on to me.

I regret that you have decided to cast my friendship out of your life.

Lastly, I regret that these are no longer my regrets. They should be yours.

Existential

I feel existential.

What does that mean, actually?

Well, it probably means angst and/or fear. Existential angst towards the structures that are acting against you and you have no power to change; existential fear towards a sense of nothingness in your life and how it will end.

Perfect. That says perfectly how I feel now.

There's no two way about it.

When you said you needed time to sort out your thoughts, I should have cried out loud, 'I have no time for your bloody thoughts, how about my thoughts? You ever thought about my thoughts? Bloody hell!'

When you said we should be friends, I should have cried out loud, 'I do not bloody care for your bloody goddamn friendship!'

When you said you'd be happy for me if I meet someone new, I should have cried out loud, 'I do not bloody want to meet someone new, god damn someone new.'

When you said I'm just tired, I should have cried out loud, 'Indeed I am fucking tired of living.'

But I didn't. I didn't do all that and more.

I just took it all in my stride and turned away, walked away from your world, like I was never given a chance to belong, anyway.

But was I hurting inside? Yes. Did I feel like just walking into the goddamn bus and end this increasingly meaningless life? No. I'm afraid of pain.

But, I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.

I thought nothing could be worse, I had braved them all.

Wrong.

Every time I see you turn away, it feels as bad as the first time, and as painful as if I never felt that way before.

Pleasant Dreams

I stand beside myself. Looking at me.

'She's sleeping,' I say to myself.

No worries. No tears. No pain. No hurt.

'She's sleeping,' I say to myself.

I walk nearer to myself. I shake my arms. Nothing.

'She's sleeping,' I say to myself.

I stand and I stare. I hear footsteps. People calling out to me. They are very noisy. But, I can't ask them to shut up. Don't they know it?

'She's sleeping,' I say to myself.

I walk over again. I whisper to myself to wake up. Nothing.

'She's sleeping,' I say to myself.

There're too many people here. I need some space. I walk out.

And she's still sleeping in my bed.

Talking to Life (or whoever's up there)

I love and hate you.

For all the times that you made me believe that love's coming my way, for all the delusions you gave me, for all the hope so cruelly dashed in matter of days, for all the rides through the highs and lows of being in love... I hate you. You've never been fair to me, I will always believe when I find myself again in some shit of life that you've positioned me. I could never believe in you, could never rely on you. You're such a cheat. I hate you.

For all the times that you gave me new lease to see different things, for all the times you made my tiny hope become a part of reality, for all the times you gave me back something to relish in while you took away my preceding happiness, for all the times you armed me with the clear of mind to see the best thing that comes out of every unwanted outcome... I love you. You are fair, even if it certainly takes some adjusting to to see that. You make me feel truly blessed. I love you.