She spent the last hour

crying on her bed.

It's becoming easy to cry, cry really hard. Just as easy to hold back, hold the tears back.

It's becoming easy to swing from one brave and resilient front to one confused, pained and tired soul.

She's trying hard, so hard to let go of what could not function anymore and yet, she won't give up.

She tried total denial, but she finds herself always, always back to confusion.

She listens to the songs. She cries. She sleeps with a little green windmill. The windmill spins beside her, held in her hand, through the night.

There's an empty space everywhere she turns. The emptiness is from within.

Faith-less. She's just tired. She's just so tired. And she just spent the last hour, crying.

Even if there's no one crying along with her. She's just so alone.

I always believed in you too.

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Babe I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
'Cause I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Untitled

"I'll Stand By You"

[Originally performed by The Pretenders]

Oh, Why You Look So Sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

But I still cried

Maybe I ought to be ashamed of myself. Maybe I ought to feel disappointment towards myself.

But I still let my vision blur. Because I can't deny what I've been feeling. I shuttle between reality and memory. And everytime I find myself landing in either side, it still scares me a little. And I have to try to pull the reins, step on the brakes because I feel a tear somewhere deep inside. And I blink and I blink. And I take deep breaths. And after awhile, they won't be wet anymore. And I check where I am. And I take another step towards life, not knowing where I'm heading next.

Whispers from the past

It's the thought that there's no one to come back to. Except myself and my bed, and my fabulous four. Except my parents.

It's a lonely kind of feeling. Especially after work, after tuition. It's a lonely kind of feeling that I must get used to, once again.

That's it lor!

One last closure. One last shower, in which I didn't care if my blurred line of vision was due to the water or due to the tears. And before I stepped out, I counted to three and stopped. Stop for good.

Allow for some heartache, allow for some pain, allow for some time for the dust to settle, the memories archived. But no more allowance for tears. No more allowance for dwelling in the past.

Thank you for the closure.

No need for promises, can't promise too.

Just... look at life in the eyes, stare at it hard. I, still, won. And I'm waiting for the next thing to come. Surprise me.

Closer

I was 2mm close to calling you, pretending I just wanted to talk to a friend. Pretending I'm just a friend.

Not so fast. Not so fast. I'm still having mixed feelings about looking at what we shared captured on film. You kissed me, in her house. Just a week ago. I kissed you, in the room, just 2 days ago.

How to switch to just being friends when I'm still trying to forget we were more than that, we had more than that?

Not so fast. Not so fast.

Read, but from a distance.

Because, this is my space. This is my hidden space. Writing always makes me feel better. It's my way of coming to terms with things, my approach to letting the dust settle.

It's schizo, again. But, how to manage emotions and rationality together so well without losing sight of who you are? Keep to one side to let the other side heal. There's some healing to be done.

No matter what they say, no matter what I feel, this, still, won't kill me.

xxx

Just got back from tuition. Drained. I know I raised my voice at her. I was really pissed and angry. I tried to keep it down, really. But, I just couldn't believe what she said she didn't understand.

And I felt demoralised, defeated. A total waste of time. I resisted calling you to whine. Even though I wanted to hear a familiar, assuring, encouraging voice. But, you know, the lyrics said, it's when you get used to loneliness, then, you'll find freedom from the pain.

Purest of love, purest of pain. There's no any other way to go about it, is there?

The next act

I have lost my voice in another sphere. Because I don't want to speak of the unnecessary to the unnecessary. Because too many eyes are looking, too many opinions are forming. Here, it's safer. Here, it makes less sense, doesn't have to make much sense. Here, we do rehearsals. Actors and actresses on standby, the world is their stage.

Immortal gifts.

I loved the cake. The passionfruit meringue. It's delicious. It's more than enough for my birthday. And the funny spatter of cocoa powder on clean, white sheets. And the last dance. The last dance, not at le baroque. But, the one in my house, in my room. The one you sang and danced with me. The last time you stroked my hair. The last can of green tea that we shared. Our last hug. They were all for my birthday. Yes, they were. They were lovely.

Monday will just be a very normal day. Because I don't want to remember how much I've lost as I make it through another birthday. No need for a card. Not this year. Maybe you can give me a card next year, maybe when we can be friends. Like we once were.

The influx begins here.

But yet, a part of me, the part that is not in denial. The part that refuses to be in denial doesn't want to let go. That part that said if we held on together, if we have a bit more faith in what we have, the relationship we have, we could work it out together.

Why did you tell me that was all when you were not even sure if we could work things out? Why did I allow you to go? Why did I even try to be forgiving and brave? Why did I try so hard to smile? Why did I so quickly throw myself into this denial state?

Why pack the stuff that I have to return to you so soon? Why can't I believe that it's just a bad day, that if I gave you a few more days to think about it, you would come back to me?

Why didn't you ask if we could be friends? Why do this to me?

Why do I keep having to come to terms with hurt?

And the camel and the child went on their own way...

I smiled. Because I kept telling myself this is not you. It's another person who you have changed into. It's another person that has stopped loving me, maybe never loved me. And you are just gone, lost. Lost to me, when I don't even know when.

No need to be sorry. Sorry has no meaning when you don't feel for the person who still loves you.

I tried so hard. Too hard, maybe. But, in the end, it doesn't even matter. In the end, we still don't have each other. In the end, Chiang Mai would only be visited by me alone. In the end, we never sat on a plane, taking off together to a place, somewhere only we know. In the end, the crackedmirror has indeed cracked and would never be mended. Noone will even know of its existence.

Somewhere only we know. Where is that? Why do I not find you there? Only me, and my memories of us, and what we could have been.

Thank you. I love you. I'll work towards the past tense.

Withdrawals of the imagination

When kodomo found herself out in the sea, alone, naturally, she was frightened. She needed to survive. That much, she knew.

When the camel went in search of someone who will ride on her and tell her stories never been told, she was hopeful. She knew she was ready to support another, only condition being, another must be worthy.

When kodomo saw the life buoy within her reach, she stretched out her little hands to grab hold of it. It was her only grip to survival.

When the camel saw the child and saw how she marvelled at the beauty of the desert instead of frown upon the harshness of the elements, the camel's heart was already given.

Kodomo drifted with the buoy. The buoy kept her safe. Occasionally, she still gets pulled under. For even the buoy itself can't fight the current. But, she always emerged out of the ferocious water. Time gone, tides past, she found great assurance in the fierce and sturdy way that the buoy will keep her safe.

The camel trodded on in the harsh desert with the child between her humps. Great company they were for each other. For the camel came to love the child, even if sometimes her weight makes her weary. The child continued marvelling at the simplest of things that they saw on their way.

Time gone, tides past. Floating, kodomo began to see signs of vessels. Beautiful, huge, breath-taking vessels. Some beckoned to her. Kodomo has got to respond to the beckon. Even if she felt safe within the buoy.

Time gone, dunes recreated. Trodding on, the camel and the child passed oasis after oasis. Sometimes, the child got tired and fell asleep. Sometimes, the camel took a rest too.

The buoy, being so devoted to keeping kodomo safe, has only hopes that kodomo will come back for her. She sees kodomo on the deck of the majesty vessel, a world that the buoy herself grew detached to. And she has only hopes that kodomo will come back for her.

The camel and the child have not reached the end. For in this vastness of sand, and few oasis, the camel has not known any end. As long as the child is with her, the bond unbreaking, the camel trods on.

Gawd, save my many souls.

I want to be different. I want to hide under the multi-faceted skins of all that I was, and could be. The mechanism is really simple. It's not withdrawal, not denial, just camouflage. Defence, by camouflage.

It's the only way I know. The only way I'm good at.