The dead foetus
Last night, I suddenly thought of how you had asked, 'what if we break up?' when I told you about the idea of co-owning a blog. A blog that was the result of how much I wanted to tell the world how much we were into each other.
You asked that question and I replied with, 'I've never thought of that.' Honestly, I never did. But, was it then that you already started knowing we would break up? Just less than two months after I started the draft for the first entry for this new blog.
thecrackedmirror dot blogspot dot com never got registered, much less published.
But, I cried to sleep again yesterday. So, I wanted to just publish all these drafts. No 'what if'. So what if we indeed broke up? These were my thoughts then. I still want to tell the world how much I was into you.
This was entitled 'Interview with C', 20 July 2006
Me: So, how long have you been a lesbian?
C: You mean, like how long have I been exclusively dating women?
Me: Er... ya.
C: Slightly over a year. Not so long eh?
Me: No, it's not. But, time can never measure the depth of love, can it?
C: No. It can't.
Me: So, erm... what was it like? I mean, have you always been inclined towards liking women?
C: Ya. I've always liked woman. I mean, my best friend's a woman, you know. And I've two sisters. You could say that I didn't have a reason not to like women. But, I've had boyfriends before. Three, to be exact. So, I liked boys too. I had many crushes on boys, and men. Didn't work out.
Me: Well, then, how did it happen? Did you suddenly decide that you are so bored with men or what? A broken heart or something?
C: Hell, no! It wasn't anything like that. Sure, my last boyfriend sort of broke my heart. But, you heal from such stuff if you allow yourself to, you know. No man can break you and leave you unmend-able. At least, not me. I am not bored with men. I still find the male species interesting and some of them are actually smarter than they look! Really, I didn't wake up one midsummer morning and decided that I'm a lesbian. It's kinda superficial of anyone to even think that could happen. Ya? But I get asked that a lot. Maybe I need to reassess my expectation of people.
Me: (nervous giggle) So, how did you decide to go into a relationship with someone of the same sex?
C: Simple. She makes me laugh and she makes me want to protect and love her. And I guess, I make her feel secure to be herself and I'm like a new telescope that she can gain insight into other worlds of perspectives with.
Me: Mm...
C: You know what I mean? Ok. Simply, we found each other to be highly suitable and reliable as a partner for ourselves. And that's important.
Me: Right. That's so important, don't you think?
C: I just said I did.
Me: Ok. Let's talk about you coming out of your closet. Was it a scary thing to do?
C: I don't think there's even any closet to being with. All my friends, the ones that I really regard, knew right from the beginning that I am going to work on a relationship with my girlfriend. My sisters know about it, my mum too. If there's a closet, I guess, it's one that's pretty transparent.
Me: Wow! That's cool! So, what was the response of people when they learnt that you are going to be a lesbian?
C: They were rather happy for me. Mostly. My mum expressed her concern and was truly reluctant to accept that idea. I think she's still in some kind of denial about it. But, you can't force anyone out of their choice to be in denial. It's just, pointless.
Me: Right. In your current relationship, do you find yourself more like the guy or the girl?
C: I find myself more like myself. I mean, it's ridiculous, you know. People don't just turn into the opposite sex when they get into a homosexual relationship. I don't suddenly adjust my crotch in public just because I'm holding a girl's hand! And I don't assume a double set of female characteristics when I find my hand being held by another woman. This is possibly one of the worst misconception people have of homosexual relationship.
Me: You mentioned earlier that you have had boyfriends before. So, would it be correct to say that you are actually a bisexual than a homosexual?
C: Honestly? I don't know. And I don't care. I think I'm sexual, and sexy. Doesn't matter to me if I'm a bi, a homo, or whatever else. Don't you think it's quite meaningless to categorise people into these neat categories of sexuality?
Me: Ok. Let's talk about how different it is, then. You know, to date men and to date women.
C: My girlfriend asks me that a lot. Honestly, I don't think there is much difference. If any, it would have to be that it feels easier to communicate and connect with a fellow woman than with a man. Personally, I find that in order to really communicate with a man, you always have to get past their ego first. And they never tell you the truth about how big their ego is in the beginning.
Me: (laughs) How about, erm, in the bedroom? It's not quite possible, right?
C: You mean sex. And sex is entirely possible. To me, sex is an act of desire based on love and trust. The same kind of ingredients that a relationship is made of. Following that logic, it's entirely possible to have sex, to have orgasms, very good orgasms, in a homosexual relationship.
Me: (blushing already) Erm. Ok. Do you get stared at when you hold hands with your girlfriend in public?
C: Do you get stared at if you wear your pyjamas out shopping? (pause) Of course, there are people who will think you are weird and they just have to express that opinion by staring at you a bit. Then, there are others who just don't give two shit about it. They probably think you are just different from the rest of them. And believe me, there are plenty others who stare because inside, they just wish they have the guts to do the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with being bold about what you believe in. I'm not a Nazi, you know. I don't expect people to believe in what I believe in. So, I refuse to be in total-conformity too.
Me: How about the future? What plans do you have for both your future? Gay marriages are not legalised here yet.
C: A shame it's not. But, I can respect that a revolt may arise if that is to be legalised here. Even though personally, I think a revolt might be just what this place needs. Erm... if you are in a relationship like mine, in this asian society, then, you truly are freed from having to think about the future. And that's how I feel. Freed. Freed from the uncertainties, the inevitable expectations of a future, the fear of having let down by someone or some things, the fear of disappointment should that future goes up like bubbles in the sky... I think it's because we know our future is differently defined from the typical, so we treasure the present more. My girl friend and I, we love by the moments, not by the anniversaries or by the milestones. That, if you ask me, is a far more meaningful existence than always planning for a future.
Me: (pause) That's profound.
C: Thank you.
Me: Oh, all right. Thank you for taking the time to do this interview. It's... insightful.
C: I hope so.
Me: So... any last words?
C: No, and thank you.
Me: (laughs) Ok. Thank you very much!
This was entitled ' It's a virtual riot here', 20 July 2006
This blog is inspired by a combination of boring afternoons re-reading magazines, intimate nights watching The L Word, unrestrained imagination of being in publicity and mostly, a desire for the unconformed to be understood.
This was entitled 'Cracked impression', 21 July 2006
The truth is that, I enjoy shocking people out of their preconceived impression of me. I enjoy being an irony personified.
My turning into a lesbian was quickly accepted by most of my friends. Kyv even said it was cool. Like, as if anything I do is ever uncool to her. Haha.
But more than a handful of them would, either at revelation point or a later point, add that I look like the last person they expect to be homo. It's really my looks. 'Too heterosexual', they said. 'The kind that should have a lot of guys courting you', they said.
Well, not exactly invalid. I did have a few guys hitting on me at one time before. But that was when I was still ignorant and quite easily flattered.
Anyway, back to personifying an irony. I love it when people around me goes into that kind of phase, not knowing what else to expect from me, and just trying to figure me out. In vain, I would prefer.
Besides, who ever made it a rule that lesbians have to be butches or have to look like they would put a guy ten miles away? Every single lesbian in The L Word is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S. So what if it's really just a show? Shows like this reflect reality, right? Even if it doesn't, I still maintain that beautiful, head-turning, model-like women can be lesbians.
That's why everything should be opened to interpretation and re-interpretation! Stereotypicals are boring and should have been thrown out of the window, as far as I'm concerned.
So, ya! I'm beautiful, intelligent, charming (to both sexes), confident and I think my latest virtue is that I'm a lesbian. I'm loving it!
This was entitled 'This is no teacup, y'know', 21 July 2006
My girlfriend is knocking off from work soon. She is coming to my house. And we haven't seen each other for 2 days! Not a big deal eh? Big enough for us to miss each other bad. Yeah? Envy me. Be jealous of us. Go on. Haha.
And I'm excited cos I'm still thinking if I should let her read what I've been spending my time online for. I think she will so enjoy it. And of course, it's only a matter of time that I would want her to start writing here too. Especially since this is really about both of us! And I think she would have more than a few thoughts about lesbian-hood in Singapore too. After all, she being the one who 'converted' me.
We'll see. Maybe this space will be christened sooner than I think. And by the both of us together! Like a baby! Our baby.
Aww... (the look of sweet-honey-sweet)
This was entitled 'You take the meat, I'd have the bones', 26 July 2006
I've let the meow out of the bag! Intentionally. So, now, K has been equally burdened to come up with a web address for our new blog! It took her quite awhile to get what I was doing.
Like...'ok? Is it a new blog?', 'So, what?', 'And what do we do?'
All became clear(er) when I showed her an extract of the interview. And she asked who asked the questions.
You simply gotta adore this clueless and unassuming characteristic of my girlfriend. Then, again, maybe she just got over the fact that I can be so schizophrenic. Like, who would conduct an interview with herself? If that's the case, maybe I shouldn't have reminded her of who she has fallen in love with - a schizo.
In any case, that's a bit too late for regrets. I mean, for her and for me.
So, we spent a lil bit of time on msn, trying to brainstorm a nice and intelligent, insightful, catchy title and address for our new blog space. I would paste the chat here the next time when I feel more in the mood to do the highlight-ctrlc-ctrlv exercise.
Then, she asked me a somewhat valid question - then, what happens to the blog if we break up?
The word is 'if'. That's why I never gave thoughts along that line of query. I mean, 'if' is such a preposterous word, isn't it? Of course, I'm not saying that my girlfriend is preposterous. What I'm saying is that, there can be so many 'if' in every decision! So, I've always had the foresight to concern myself with issues of 'so what if!' rather than 'if'. It helps to justify an action better. Right?
At least, that's how I think.
But, oh, coming back to her somewhat valid question. I guess, well, IF we do break up, then, we'd just have to think what we would do then. It's only a blog anyway. Not like... an overfed hamster.
(K had a hamster with her xgf. And when they broke up, the hamster went to the x because K didn't really dared to pick up furry stuff, like an overfed hamster. So, that begs the qusetion, why in the hell would anyone decide to rear something if she's not exactly comfortable with it? To conquer her fear? I think, it might be because of her overbearing xgf. Not to mention unreasonable and spendthrift. Bah!)
Do I sound like a jealous girlfriend? The correct answer is 'no'. Period.
This was entitled 'Coming out into a closed environment', 29 July 2006
In preparing for this blog to be officially published and launched, I find myself being pulled into the fraternity of GLBT (see! a new term that I only now know existed). It means, Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgender. I followed links from links and started to excavate the virtual families in this fraternity. There are chatrooms, webpages, organisations (that were denied registration by the garmen), counselling emails, lists of gay places to hang out... It's all quite interesting and exciting, I would say. And I've kept a few places in mind to check out when K and me are in that area.
But, my point is, I really have had no idea how this scene in Singapore can be so organised and well, in a way, extensive. And there're actually around 18,000 gays in PAP's lil red dot! So, I'm going to start believing K whenever she whispers in my ear, gesturing with her eyes, that the person walking in front of us is a gay or a les. A distinct change from my usual half-interested response 'How you know?' I guess, from now on, she could really pull off the smug 'I just know' thingy on me.
But, what struck me as strange was why do we even need to have a list of places that are les-friendly, or GLBT-friendly? Is this society so not ready to see gay couples and gay crowds hanging out in the usual places where straightees (hey, I haven't heard any term like that being used, so, until I do, it remains a original creation of MOI!) hang out? If people can condone half-witted secondary school kids hugging and fondling each other's back, butt (yes, the kind you see on MRT and pretend you don't give a shit to), then, is it that impossible for people to have a tolerance level for two men or women just holding hands in public? I don't think gay couples actually do more than that in public, anyway. We'll keep our hugging and kissing within the four walls of our bedroom.
Ok. Let me correct that. Not 'we'. 'Cos K and me, we actually do give each other a quick hug and plant little kisses on each other's cheeks in public. I'm trained by my x-bf in PDA. Irony. Haha.
I tend to agree with Meisen that it's not enough to just be left alone in a society, by a garmen that also issued your pink IC. We should expect more. Expect understanding, expect acceptance. Until we can stand among straightees, regardless of race, religion and age, and be accepted as equal citizens a la the pledge that is being recited in schools everyday, the job's ours to keep demanding.
There is no victory in inequality. And there is no equality in being silenced.
This was entitled 'Unstaged', 14 August 2006
This is when I'm feeling really sick and disgusted with a person who kept insisting that she's straight and then, a month ago, told K that she has a crush on her.
What I want to say, and actually said, is 'fuck her'.
You know, if you watched the L word, season 1, there's Bette, there's Tina and there's the third party, Candace.
And I've absolutely nothing against Candace. OK? There's nothing wrong in liking somebody at all. Christ! It's perfectly human to be attracted to someone. Ok? Besides, we all know Candace is a les and she doesn't try to hide it in some stupid denial that she's actually straight. Fuck that!
But, what I really had great distaste for was the fact that she came into Bette and Tina's relationship when Tina, obviously, needed Bette's support and assurances the most. It's like, really, the termites couldn't have chosen a better time to feast on a house undergoing massive restoration!
And, the fact that Bette just couldn't control herself (cos they see each other every day at work!!! As if that's a good excuse! Fuck!) and gave in to Candace's interest in her. And poor Bette is just, I tell you, so very screwed up. Who could have blamed her for seeking legal advice after that? I mean, a les is still a girl. And if she can't rely on her partner to protect her (and not hurt her), she's gotta learn to fight for herself and protect herself, eh? We clear on that, right?
Anyway, if you really want to know more, just go get your hands on Season 1, The L Word.
But, my point here is, I feel like Tina. Now. There's a Candace in my relationship with my Bette. And I don't like it any fucking bit. And I'm thinking what I really need now is a group of close friends like the Alice, Shane, Jenny, Dana. But, I'm really not as calm and cordial and casual about the enemy. I love to have my girlfriend to myself and I bloody intend to keep it that way. If I have the script my way, I say, let's all stare Candace into extinction.
This was entitled 'This is... IT!', 14 August 2006
We ploughed and overturned the land of witty nicks (before K said she actually preferred it to be dark, not just witty) to find a name that we will call this space of ours.
I thought something that has 'L' in it was, well, in a way, mysterious, suggestive and clever. So, I came up with stuff like 'L-chemist', 'L-luminance', 'L-blog'...
K came up with 'L-point', '3L.Love.Life.Lesbian', 'L-ternativeliving'...
And over a Mos Burger Ebi rice burger meal (no upsize, change the drink to iced milk tea, pls), we finally got THE name to call our url. (Even though there's no 'L'!)
We hope you like the non-L-ness in it and the dark side of it. Don't ask me what dark side. My girl friend said she wanted something that sounded a bit dark and she seemed to think this is the perfect name. So, I'm just assuming there IS a dark side to it. Ok?
And, my advice is... after you read this post, you should scroll down and read from the bottom. Cos it works this way - the bottom ones are the earlier posts. So, it makes better chronological sense to read bottom-up. For all the entries that were drafted before we officially launched this blog.
Makes sense so far, I hope. Ha!
Enjoy ~~~
This was entitled 'Death? Premature?' 3 September 2006
Actually, I had wanted a belt, a sash. Something to accessorise a plain mono-colour look. For my birthday.
This blog should have been launched 2 weeks ago. What is the point of trying so hard to clap when you can only offer one palm?
You asked that question and I replied with, 'I've never thought of that.' Honestly, I never did. But, was it then that you already started knowing we would break up? Just less than two months after I started the draft for the first entry for this new blog.
thecrackedmirror dot blogspot dot com never got registered, much less published.
But, I cried to sleep again yesterday. So, I wanted to just publish all these drafts. No 'what if'. So what if we indeed broke up? These were my thoughts then. I still want to tell the world how much I was into you.
This was entitled 'Interview with C', 20 July 2006
Me: So, how long have you been a lesbian?
C: You mean, like how long have I been exclusively dating women?
Me: Er... ya.
C: Slightly over a year. Not so long eh?
Me: No, it's not. But, time can never measure the depth of love, can it?
C: No. It can't.
Me: So, erm... what was it like? I mean, have you always been inclined towards liking women?
C: Ya. I've always liked woman. I mean, my best friend's a woman, you know. And I've two sisters. You could say that I didn't have a reason not to like women. But, I've had boyfriends before. Three, to be exact. So, I liked boys too. I had many crushes on boys, and men. Didn't work out.
Me: Well, then, how did it happen? Did you suddenly decide that you are so bored with men or what? A broken heart or something?
C: Hell, no! It wasn't anything like that. Sure, my last boyfriend sort of broke my heart. But, you heal from such stuff if you allow yourself to, you know. No man can break you and leave you unmend-able. At least, not me. I am not bored with men. I still find the male species interesting and some of them are actually smarter than they look! Really, I didn't wake up one midsummer morning and decided that I'm a lesbian. It's kinda superficial of anyone to even think that could happen. Ya? But I get asked that a lot. Maybe I need to reassess my expectation of people.
Me: (nervous giggle) So, how did you decide to go into a relationship with someone of the same sex?
C: Simple. She makes me laugh and she makes me want to protect and love her. And I guess, I make her feel secure to be herself and I'm like a new telescope that she can gain insight into other worlds of perspectives with.
Me: Mm...
C: You know what I mean? Ok. Simply, we found each other to be highly suitable and reliable as a partner for ourselves. And that's important.
Me: Right. That's so important, don't you think?
C: I just said I did.
Me: Ok. Let's talk about you coming out of your closet. Was it a scary thing to do?
C: I don't think there's even any closet to being with. All my friends, the ones that I really regard, knew right from the beginning that I am going to work on a relationship with my girlfriend. My sisters know about it, my mum too. If there's a closet, I guess, it's one that's pretty transparent.
Me: Wow! That's cool! So, what was the response of people when they learnt that you are going to be a lesbian?
C: They were rather happy for me. Mostly. My mum expressed her concern and was truly reluctant to accept that idea. I think she's still in some kind of denial about it. But, you can't force anyone out of their choice to be in denial. It's just, pointless.
Me: Right. In your current relationship, do you find yourself more like the guy or the girl?
C: I find myself more like myself. I mean, it's ridiculous, you know. People don't just turn into the opposite sex when they get into a homosexual relationship. I don't suddenly adjust my crotch in public just because I'm holding a girl's hand! And I don't assume a double set of female characteristics when I find my hand being held by another woman. This is possibly one of the worst misconception people have of homosexual relationship.
Me: You mentioned earlier that you have had boyfriends before. So, would it be correct to say that you are actually a bisexual than a homosexual?
C: Honestly? I don't know. And I don't care. I think I'm sexual, and sexy. Doesn't matter to me if I'm a bi, a homo, or whatever else. Don't you think it's quite meaningless to categorise people into these neat categories of sexuality?
Me: Ok. Let's talk about how different it is, then. You know, to date men and to date women.
C: My girlfriend asks me that a lot. Honestly, I don't think there is much difference. If any, it would have to be that it feels easier to communicate and connect with a fellow woman than with a man. Personally, I find that in order to really communicate with a man, you always have to get past their ego first. And they never tell you the truth about how big their ego is in the beginning.
Me: (laughs) How about, erm, in the bedroom? It's not quite possible, right?
C: You mean sex. And sex is entirely possible. To me, sex is an act of desire based on love and trust. The same kind of ingredients that a relationship is made of. Following that logic, it's entirely possible to have sex, to have orgasms, very good orgasms, in a homosexual relationship.
Me: (blushing already) Erm. Ok. Do you get stared at when you hold hands with your girlfriend in public?
C: Do you get stared at if you wear your pyjamas out shopping? (pause) Of course, there are people who will think you are weird and they just have to express that opinion by staring at you a bit. Then, there are others who just don't give two shit about it. They probably think you are just different from the rest of them. And believe me, there are plenty others who stare because inside, they just wish they have the guts to do the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with being bold about what you believe in. I'm not a Nazi, you know. I don't expect people to believe in what I believe in. So, I refuse to be in total-conformity too.
Me: How about the future? What plans do you have for both your future? Gay marriages are not legalised here yet.
C: A shame it's not. But, I can respect that a revolt may arise if that is to be legalised here. Even though personally, I think a revolt might be just what this place needs. Erm... if you are in a relationship like mine, in this asian society, then, you truly are freed from having to think about the future. And that's how I feel. Freed. Freed from the uncertainties, the inevitable expectations of a future, the fear of having let down by someone or some things, the fear of disappointment should that future goes up like bubbles in the sky... I think it's because we know our future is differently defined from the typical, so we treasure the present more. My girl friend and I, we love by the moments, not by the anniversaries or by the milestones. That, if you ask me, is a far more meaningful existence than always planning for a future.
Me: (pause) That's profound.
C: Thank you.
Me: Oh, all right. Thank you for taking the time to do this interview. It's... insightful.
C: I hope so.
Me: So... any last words?
C: No, and thank you.
Me: (laughs) Ok. Thank you very much!
This was entitled ' It's a virtual riot here', 20 July 2006
This blog is inspired by a combination of boring afternoons re-reading magazines, intimate nights watching The L Word, unrestrained imagination of being in publicity and mostly, a desire for the unconformed to be understood.
This was entitled 'Cracked impression', 21 July 2006
The truth is that, I enjoy shocking people out of their preconceived impression of me. I enjoy being an irony personified.
My turning into a lesbian was quickly accepted by most of my friends. Kyv even said it was cool. Like, as if anything I do is ever uncool to her. Haha.
But more than a handful of them would, either at revelation point or a later point, add that I look like the last person they expect to be homo. It's really my looks. 'Too heterosexual', they said. 'The kind that should have a lot of guys courting you', they said.
Well, not exactly invalid. I did have a few guys hitting on me at one time before. But that was when I was still ignorant and quite easily flattered.
Anyway, back to personifying an irony. I love it when people around me goes into that kind of phase, not knowing what else to expect from me, and just trying to figure me out. In vain, I would prefer.
Besides, who ever made it a rule that lesbians have to be butches or have to look like they would put a guy ten miles away? Every single lesbian in The L Word is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S. So what if it's really just a show? Shows like this reflect reality, right? Even if it doesn't, I still maintain that beautiful, head-turning, model-like women can be lesbians.
That's why everything should be opened to interpretation and re-interpretation! Stereotypicals are boring and should have been thrown out of the window, as far as I'm concerned.
So, ya! I'm beautiful, intelligent, charming (to both sexes), confident and I think my latest virtue is that I'm a lesbian. I'm loving it!
This was entitled 'This is no teacup, y'know', 21 July 2006
My girlfriend is knocking off from work soon. She is coming to my house. And we haven't seen each other for 2 days! Not a big deal eh? Big enough for us to miss each other bad. Yeah? Envy me. Be jealous of us. Go on. Haha.
And I'm excited cos I'm still thinking if I should let her read what I've been spending my time online for. I think she will so enjoy it. And of course, it's only a matter of time that I would want her to start writing here too. Especially since this is really about both of us! And I think she would have more than a few thoughts about lesbian-hood in Singapore too. After all, she being the one who 'converted' me.
We'll see. Maybe this space will be christened sooner than I think. And by the both of us together! Like a baby! Our baby.
Aww... (the look of sweet-honey-sweet)
This was entitled 'You take the meat, I'd have the bones', 26 July 2006
I've let the meow out of the bag! Intentionally. So, now, K has been equally burdened to come up with a web address for our new blog! It took her quite awhile to get what I was doing.
Like...'ok? Is it a new blog?', 'So, what?', 'And what do we do?'
All became clear(er) when I showed her an extract of the interview. And she asked who asked the questions.
You simply gotta adore this clueless and unassuming characteristic of my girlfriend. Then, again, maybe she just got over the fact that I can be so schizophrenic. Like, who would conduct an interview with herself? If that's the case, maybe I shouldn't have reminded her of who she has fallen in love with - a schizo.
In any case, that's a bit too late for regrets. I mean, for her and for me.
So, we spent a lil bit of time on msn, trying to brainstorm a nice and intelligent, insightful, catchy title and address for our new blog space. I would paste the chat here the next time when I feel more in the mood to do the highlight-ctrlc-ctrlv exercise.
Then, she asked me a somewhat valid question - then, what happens to the blog if we break up?
The word is 'if'. That's why I never gave thoughts along that line of query. I mean, 'if' is such a preposterous word, isn't it? Of course, I'm not saying that my girlfriend is preposterous. What I'm saying is that, there can be so many 'if' in every decision! So, I've always had the foresight to concern myself with issues of 'so what if!' rather than 'if'. It helps to justify an action better. Right?
At least, that's how I think.
But, oh, coming back to her somewhat valid question. I guess, well, IF we do break up, then, we'd just have to think what we would do then. It's only a blog anyway. Not like... an overfed hamster.
(K had a hamster with her xgf. And when they broke up, the hamster went to the x because K didn't really dared to pick up furry stuff, like an overfed hamster. So, that begs the qusetion, why in the hell would anyone decide to rear something if she's not exactly comfortable with it? To conquer her fear? I think, it might be because of her overbearing xgf. Not to mention unreasonable and spendthrift. Bah!)
Do I sound like a jealous girlfriend? The correct answer is 'no'. Period.
This was entitled 'Coming out into a closed environment', 29 July 2006
In preparing for this blog to be officially published and launched, I find myself being pulled into the fraternity of GLBT (see! a new term that I only now know existed). It means, Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgender. I followed links from links and started to excavate the virtual families in this fraternity. There are chatrooms, webpages, organisations (that were denied registration by the garmen), counselling emails, lists of gay places to hang out... It's all quite interesting and exciting, I would say. And I've kept a few places in mind to check out when K and me are in that area.
But, my point is, I really have had no idea how this scene in Singapore can be so organised and well, in a way, extensive. And there're actually around 18,000 gays in PAP's lil red dot! So, I'm going to start believing K whenever she whispers in my ear, gesturing with her eyes, that the person walking in front of us is a gay or a les. A distinct change from my usual half-interested response 'How you know?' I guess, from now on, she could really pull off the smug 'I just know' thingy on me.
But, what struck me as strange was why do we even need to have a list of places that are les-friendly, or GLBT-friendly? Is this society so not ready to see gay couples and gay crowds hanging out in the usual places where straightees (hey, I haven't heard any term like that being used, so, until I do, it remains a original creation of MOI!) hang out? If people can condone half-witted secondary school kids hugging and fondling each other's back, butt (yes, the kind you see on MRT and pretend you don't give a shit to), then, is it that impossible for people to have a tolerance level for two men or women just holding hands in public? I don't think gay couples actually do more than that in public, anyway. We'll keep our hugging and kissing within the four walls of our bedroom.
Ok. Let me correct that. Not 'we'. 'Cos K and me, we actually do give each other a quick hug and plant little kisses on each other's cheeks in public. I'm trained by my x-bf in PDA. Irony. Haha.
I tend to agree with Meisen that it's not enough to just be left alone in a society, by a garmen that also issued your pink IC. We should expect more. Expect understanding, expect acceptance. Until we can stand among straightees, regardless of race, religion and age, and be accepted as equal citizens a la the pledge that is being recited in schools everyday, the job's ours to keep demanding.
There is no victory in inequality. And there is no equality in being silenced.
This was entitled 'Unstaged', 14 August 2006
This is when I'm feeling really sick and disgusted with a person who kept insisting that she's straight and then, a month ago, told K that she has a crush on her.
What I want to say, and actually said, is 'fuck her'.
You know, if you watched the L word, season 1, there's Bette, there's Tina and there's the third party, Candace.
And I've absolutely nothing against Candace. OK? There's nothing wrong in liking somebody at all. Christ! It's perfectly human to be attracted to someone. Ok? Besides, we all know Candace is a les and she doesn't try to hide it in some stupid denial that she's actually straight. Fuck that!
But, what I really had great distaste for was the fact that she came into Bette and Tina's relationship when Tina, obviously, needed Bette's support and assurances the most. It's like, really, the termites couldn't have chosen a better time to feast on a house undergoing massive restoration!
And, the fact that Bette just couldn't control herself (cos they see each other every day at work!!! As if that's a good excuse! Fuck!) and gave in to Candace's interest in her. And poor Bette is just, I tell you, so very screwed up. Who could have blamed her for seeking legal advice after that? I mean, a les is still a girl. And if she can't rely on her partner to protect her (and not hurt her), she's gotta learn to fight for herself and protect herself, eh? We clear on that, right?
Anyway, if you really want to know more, just go get your hands on Season 1, The L Word.
But, my point here is, I feel like Tina. Now. There's a Candace in my relationship with my Bette. And I don't like it any fucking bit. And I'm thinking what I really need now is a group of close friends like the Alice, Shane, Jenny, Dana. But, I'm really not as calm and cordial and casual about the enemy. I love to have my girlfriend to myself and I bloody intend to keep it that way. If I have the script my way, I say, let's all stare Candace into extinction.
This was entitled 'This is... IT!', 14 August 2006
We ploughed and overturned the land of witty nicks (before K said she actually preferred it to be dark, not just witty) to find a name that we will call this space of ours.
I thought something that has 'L' in it was, well, in a way, mysterious, suggestive and clever. So, I came up with stuff like 'L-chemist', 'L-luminance', 'L-blog'...
K came up with 'L-point', '3L.Love.Life.Lesbian', 'L-ternativeliving'...
And over a Mos Burger Ebi rice burger meal (no upsize, change the drink to iced milk tea, pls), we finally got THE name to call our url. (Even though there's no 'L'!)
We hope you like the non-L-ness in it and the dark side of it. Don't ask me what dark side. My girl friend said she wanted something that sounded a bit dark and she seemed to think this is the perfect name. So, I'm just assuming there IS a dark side to it. Ok?
And, my advice is... after you read this post, you should scroll down and read from the bottom. Cos it works this way - the bottom ones are the earlier posts. So, it makes better chronological sense to read bottom-up. For all the entries that were drafted before we officially launched this blog.
Makes sense so far, I hope. Ha!
Enjoy ~~~
This was entitled 'Death? Premature?' 3 September 2006
Actually, I had wanted a belt, a sash. Something to accessorise a plain mono-colour look. For my birthday.
This blog should have been launched 2 weeks ago. What is the point of trying so hard to clap when you can only offer one palm?
