She didn't love me anymore

All I needed was a reason to start, then I will have a lot of reasons to continue. I have waited for that reason for awhile now. And it has come, in the form of starvation. So, I started. And I continued. And now, all's calm. Calmer. A whole torrent of tears. Washed ashore. And now I'm calmer. Now, I know I'm done with this wave.

But, how come nobody was cruel enough to tell me to be lucid? How come nobody dragged that layer of buffer out under me and just threw me the truth?

Because no matter what excuses I have found for the premature death of my last relationship, the one real reason is that she doesn't love me anymore. Why didn't any one of you tell me straight in the face, 'she doesn't love you anymore and that's all'?

Because I needed to be convinced of that myself. I needed to find that out for myself. I needed to come to this truth myself. I needed to lift up all the buffer reasons and find this truth underneath.

There is no such thing as 'wanting space to grow up' or 'wanting freedom'. When she said, 'That's all there is to us', it was as good as saying 'I don't love you anymore'. I ought to have seen that.

That's all there is to every half fucked reasons I kept finding for her. That's all there ever was - She didn't love me anymore.

No, it doesn't mean she didn't love me at all. It didn't mean everything was for show, was not real. It only meant that she didn't love me already, and not any longer in the rest of this fucked existence.

I can't make anyone stay and love me for as long as I love anyone. Of course I know that. You can't make anyone love you. It's either they do or they don't. I used to feel very, very small about myself because all evidence pointed that I didn't manage to make the person I love love me back for as long and as much as I tried. I was, un-lovable, in a permanent sense.

But, I know now that all is not gone. All is not lost. Because it plays both sides. Nobody can make me love anybody. And if I do not begin to love anyone, I will never ever have to feel that I was un-lovable, in a permanent sense.

I'm back to loving myself. Just myself. Because I'm not your sacrifice anymore. Because I am not going to wait 5 months before seeing the truth anymore.

All that was well did not end well

Some afternoons, when I spend lunch time alone, I feel like going to sit down along the river, and cry. And the strong breeze that's characteristic of Raffles Place will dry my tears soon enough.

I miss those walks along the other side of the river. Just after we walked out of the screening room at The Arts House. And the koi pond at Fullerton Hotel.

Maybe there is no way I can love you now. Because I'm still so in love with not just who you were, but who we were together.

Except, who we were feels very distant, very vague. I never felt that way until you said it felt unrealistic. Suddenly, every little fragment of my memory seems to be eager to prove your point - that nothing was real.

I even doubted myself about when your birthday is. While another part of me berated my uncertainity. "How could I ever forget your birthday?" But I really was not sure. The date felt vaguely familiar.

How strange. How strange that I don't seem to be sure if I knew you at all.