Delusions Bazaar
It was a very upsetting dream. I cried a lot and I cried hard.
I was supposed to collect something from Emman from somewhere that felt like a carpark. Instead, before Emman, I saw Kay walking towards me.
Apparently, she just got back from an overseas trip. She was noticeably thinner. We hugged, like old friends might. Except when I started hugging her, I didn't want to let go.
I asked how her trip was. She said she enjoyed it and had a big surprise during the trip. A bigger surprise than any I've ever planned for her. She was, obviously, still in a state of elation from that surprise. I wanted to ask who she went on holiday with. But decided better against it. After all, too much information concerning her would do me no good.
Later, I found us in a lecture hall. We were waiting for the lecture to begin. It was on some psychology thing. Seated beside her, we started talking.
her: Are you seeing anyone now? Or getting married?
me: No. And I've decided to date women.
her: Does your mum know about this?
me: Not really. She doesn't really have to know. Besides, I just want someone to take care of me. Maybe I don't really care if it's a guy or a girl.
her: Take care of you?
me: Ya. (shouted) Why can't I just have someone to take care of me? I had enough. Of taking care of other people.
her: But how can you find someone to take care of you when you always seem like you are already taking very good care of yourself? Isn't it?
me: You know that's not true.
her: You keep attracting people who needed taking care of. That's the problem.
me: (shouted) I didn't mean it, ok? How the hell could I have prevented it? Can I help it if there's just the way I seem to people? Like I needed no one to take care of me? Come on! Ask yourself, you were attracted to me because I was a good listener and I could take care of you! Is it fair to use that against me when you felt it was enough?
her: (speechless)
me: I thought in our relationship, we could level it out, taking care of each other. I could share my fears with you and you would be there for me. But you just gave up. I knew I was the dominating one. But I also thought we could work it out. 'Cos that's what a relationship is about. I had hoped.
her: But what I hoped was that you were more passionate, and not just taking care of me.
I was already crying uncontrollably by now.
My dad appeared in the dream, worried. He wanted to take me away from the lecture hall. But someone stopped him.
It was then that I had this sense and awareness that inside the lecture hall, were all my friends. I was aware that Emman was there. Meisen too. Wenn, Apple, Anna, CJ, Hadrian, Eugene... and many others. I didn't see their faces. But I knew they were all seated around me, inside this cold and harsh lecture hall whose silence was only broken by my crying and sobbing.
I was surrounded by my friends. And there was this sense of helplessness as they all looked on while I cried. They let me cry because they knew there was nothing else I could do anyway. It felt like everything was too late. This understanding of what Kay and I wanted from each other came too late.
It was heart-wrenching.
I haven't been dreaming like this for some time. So vivid that I could remember most of the details even after I woke up. Crying throughout a dream. So emotionally intense that it felt more real than reality. And though it was a very heartbreaking dream, I wished it didn't have to end. Because amidst the crying, I felt some sense of relief too.
Emotions being uninhibited in dreams can feel so much more intense and realistic than those in the conscious reality. Makes me wonder what is living, really.
I was supposed to collect something from Emman from somewhere that felt like a carpark. Instead, before Emman, I saw Kay walking towards me.
Apparently, she just got back from an overseas trip. She was noticeably thinner. We hugged, like old friends might. Except when I started hugging her, I didn't want to let go.
I asked how her trip was. She said she enjoyed it and had a big surprise during the trip. A bigger surprise than any I've ever planned for her. She was, obviously, still in a state of elation from that surprise. I wanted to ask who she went on holiday with. But decided better against it. After all, too much information concerning her would do me no good.
Later, I found us in a lecture hall. We were waiting for the lecture to begin. It was on some psychology thing. Seated beside her, we started talking.
her: Are you seeing anyone now? Or getting married?
me: No. And I've decided to date women.
her: Does your mum know about this?
me: Not really. She doesn't really have to know. Besides, I just want someone to take care of me. Maybe I don't really care if it's a guy or a girl.
her: Take care of you?
me: Ya. (shouted) Why can't I just have someone to take care of me? I had enough. Of taking care of other people.
her: But how can you find someone to take care of you when you always seem like you are already taking very good care of yourself? Isn't it?
me: You know that's not true.
her: You keep attracting people who needed taking care of. That's the problem.
me: (shouted) I didn't mean it, ok? How the hell could I have prevented it? Can I help it if there's just the way I seem to people? Like I needed no one to take care of me? Come on! Ask yourself, you were attracted to me because I was a good listener and I could take care of you! Is it fair to use that against me when you felt it was enough?
her: (speechless)
me: I thought in our relationship, we could level it out, taking care of each other. I could share my fears with you and you would be there for me. But you just gave up. I knew I was the dominating one. But I also thought we could work it out. 'Cos that's what a relationship is about. I had hoped.
her: But what I hoped was that you were more passionate, and not just taking care of me.
I was already crying uncontrollably by now.
My dad appeared in the dream, worried. He wanted to take me away from the lecture hall. But someone stopped him.
It was then that I had this sense and awareness that inside the lecture hall, were all my friends. I was aware that Emman was there. Meisen too. Wenn, Apple, Anna, CJ, Hadrian, Eugene... and many others. I didn't see their faces. But I knew they were all seated around me, inside this cold and harsh lecture hall whose silence was only broken by my crying and sobbing.
I was surrounded by my friends. And there was this sense of helplessness as they all looked on while I cried. They let me cry because they knew there was nothing else I could do anyway. It felt like everything was too late. This understanding of what Kay and I wanted from each other came too late.
It was heart-wrenching.
I haven't been dreaming like this for some time. So vivid that I could remember most of the details even after I woke up. Crying throughout a dream. So emotionally intense that it felt more real than reality. And though it was a very heartbreaking dream, I wished it didn't have to end. Because amidst the crying, I felt some sense of relief too.
Emotions being uninhibited in dreams can feel so much more intense and realistic than those in the conscious reality. Makes me wonder what is living, really.
