Delusions Bazaar

We were at a concert. Not a real super star concert but a campus concert. Apparently, someone we knew was performing. GQ and I found our seat promptly. He told me he won't be able to stay for long. Irene was going to kick up a big fuss if she didn't see him around for too long. Basically, Irene was also attending the concert but she would want him all to herself.

I think I told GQ to just tell Irene how he felt. Suffocated and in serious need of a break from her. But it was not easy for him to do it. I shook my head helplessly at him. That's hardly the GQ I know.

Then, Kay walked in. She, too, was attending the concert. Then, I suddenly remembered she also had a friend who was one of the performers. However, I didn't go up and say 'hi'.

After awhile, GQ turned to me and told me that he spoke to Kay earlier and she told him that she just broke off with her boyfriend. I didn't know whether to believe him. Kay has a boyfriend? No kidding?

But I held my tongue because when I saw Kay, I saw that she has changed. Her hair was still short but longer. She looked less of a tomboy but more like a lady. It was totally convincing that she had a boyfriend.

Irene came to join us shortly. I sat myself between GQ and her. I wanted to be the in-between for both of them. I tried to hint to Irene that she needed to give space to my good friend. He was totally losing it cos of her scrutiny on his every action and her following him around too much. But apparently, Irene couldn't hear any of these. So, in the end, I kept quiet too.

The concert ended. As I was making my way out, I saw Kay again. This time, she saw me too. She, too, was leaving the auditorium. We exchanged greetings, I asked how she has been. She just smiled. I can't remember if she said anything. But, I remember I told myself this is not the person I knew from the past too. She's a changed person. I don't think I felt sad at that point in time, in my dream. But, now, thinking about it, I am overcome by a wave of sadness.

Irene left my dream. And I was left with GQ. We were still waiting for our turn to move out of the auditorium.

I can't remember the rest.

Everytime I dream of you, I can't let you go even more in my waking moments.

if only we moved anti-clockwise

Just that night, I was lying on my bed, unwilling to do anything. Not even read. I was listening to the radio. The radio playing soft rock music. The soft rock weekend that we used to pass just lying in bed and reading, occasionally snacking.

I was lying on my bed, just listening to the music. And missing you. Missing you in the way that I know you are lost to me. Missing you in the way that I have to accept you are not going to return. Missing you in the way that we are both lost to ourselves too. Because we would never be who we once were. How I missed you, girl! How I missed you.

I was lying on my bed, missing you, until I got up to switch off the lights, and went back to lie on my bed. After more than an hour of this non-activity, I fell asleep.

Even now, I believe, if I had known this would be how we end up, I would never have crossed the line. I would rather die holding back my desire for you than to live with memories of how ideal we were together.

The crap about having loved is better than not. I absolutely regret having acknowledged that I love you. That's my regret. Not your breaking up with me, or vice versa. My regret is having believed in being understood and being loved for who I am.