Delusions bazaar

My younger sister was dying. Strangely, she knew she was dying the next day. She was not exactly sick. I don't know what was it. But she was going to have to die the next day. She came to me, afraid. I could feel her fear.

My parents were sitting beside me. They seemed to cope well with this knowledge. Until my elder sister came into the living room and informed them of the coffin/grave number.

They started crying so hard. I've never seen my parents cry together so hard. I've never seen my younger sis so afraid.

She told me she was afraid. She didn't want to die. She was not ready to die. She didn't want to leave.

And I hugged her. I just kept hugging her. I told her that it was going to be all right, it would not be so scary as she thought. I told her when people die, they don't really leave. They just leave their body and no longer be a physical entity. But they don't really disappear. Because they live on in spirit and in thoughts of the people who love them. I assured her she won't feel pain, she won't just leave and we won't just forget her.

But still, she cried and I was totally helpless against this. When I imagined how hard it would be for me if I were her, I just failed to convince myself that it was not going to be scary. It was scary. It was scary to know that you are going to die, leave this place and end your existence in this crappy world. Even if you know you would be missed dearly.

I felt really heartbroken and extremely sad.

xxx

I think this dream is an accurate displacement. Dreaming of death is often a sign of a significant change in one's life course. In reality, Wenn is going away for awhile, leaving for work. I don't know if she's scared. But I am quite sure there is an extent of apprehensiveness. As for me, I'm fully aware that I am in no position to change this course of action. I could only hug and say, "It's ok, it's going to be all right." I wonder if I'm saying that for my own ears or whose.

Sojourned

Because I know you don't want them to make a fuss over your leaving. After all, it's something that should have happened some one year ago. It's something that we should all be expecting, despite it being postponed time and again. So, you only told me. And so, all those that I have to say, have to share, can only be done here. The other space is so congested with attention.

In all our years of knowing each other, I think this is the first time you made me cry. Although I'm not so sure if it's really you. Or because I thought about the fact that as I grow older, I go through and will go through more departures.

Actually, come to think of it, I have been lucky enough that your posting has been procrastinated for so long by your management. You should have left at the time when I felt most vulnerable, most alone, most abandoned. The time when the person I thought love me gave me up. I should have passed the whole of last year in more solitude than I actually had. I should have been made to feel more lonely than I was last year. Not that your staying here kept loneliness outside the door for me. Surely, it was just more bearable.

I have been lucky enough, if you think about it. That you are only leaving now and it will only be for half a year. I mean, compared to the initial 2 years? I could deal with half a year so much better.

Still, there's this sense of loss. Just knowing that when I get really bored or when I'm not bored but just needed someone to whine to, you will be so far away. Even though we often procrastinate our weekend plans and end up doing nothing, just staying at our own home, it was still comfort to be able to just sms someone asking for something to do, if ever possible.

This sense of loss reminded me of how when a decision has been made by someone else, you are totally at the disposal of the effects of the decision. No matter how much you would rather not have the decision made in this way. You could only come to terms with it. No matter how long it would take. Maybe even forever.

You know what I'm talking about. And perhaps, that's the real reason why I cried.

So, you didn't actually make me cry. After all. But you made me have that sense of loss. That's still something!

I love you, darling. Please take care there. You make the effort to meet new people to hang out, to chill with. Find yourself someone special. I'll be holding fort here for awhile then.

I wait no more

I thought about it just this morning again. And realised...

the last person who made me genuinely happy was the last person, beside myself, who could make me happy. Now that person is the constant reason for my periodic misery, and my perpetual avoidance of being made happy by anyone else.

That's enough of being strong.

Delusions Bazaar

I was as shocked as I know I would be if it had not been a dream. She was in front of me and she was with her current girlfriend. Because they were walking affectionately close together. She didn't see me though.

I contemplated sneaking away, running away, whatever it took to let me go unnoticed, pretending that our paths had never crossed. But, I didn't. I stayed rooted to the ground, just looking at Kay and her new girlfriend.

She didn't look like Kay. I mean, she was Kay. But, she looked thinner and in a way, more jaded even though she was obviously enjoying the company of the girl whose hand she was holding. I looked on. And realised her girlfriend was one of our excolleagues too. But not Shreen. Someone else that we were not even close with in the past.

She walked towards my direction. I looked her straight in the eyes. Seconds passed before she returned my gaze.

But nothing happened. She did not acknowledge having known me at all. She did not even smile the kind of polite smile if you see someone gazing at you but you don't remember knowing that person. My presence was as quickly dismissed as it was never registered.

Even when she was asking me a question later, about someone who lived in some place, you couldn't at all tell she knew me so intimately once.

I stared as my mind went blank. She has changed so much that it seemed unlikely that I had recognized her.

I felt a sense of loss and relief altogether.

I made time stand still for us.

Just sometime last week, or earlier this week, I admitted to someone I've never met that I am still in love with you. And after I said that, I realised it's true. But, the past of you, of who you were, who I was when you were with me.

This love trapped in time. Didn't manage to cross over in reality, over time. Just stuck.

If I see you today, I would be the almost stranger that we once were. You would be to me too. Just that I see you in my mind, at the most unexpected of time and places. And you are always smiling that cheeky, adorable smile of your trademark. That look of contentment, of amazement at the slightest and most natural of things, that look of puzzlement. What I often see in my mind. And I know you've never left. Cos I don't allow to. I don't allow you to just give up and walk out.

I'm still in love. A kind of transcendental love. You won't believe it. Someone like me love you so foreverly. Maybe you didn't believe you deserve it. But once you stopped believing you deserve it, you don't. You just didn't get it, did you?

Anyway, all's over. And I'm still here. You're still here too.