never fool the one in front of the mirror

To come to this stage where I stare at your status and not know what to say, not thinking that I have anything to say to you, not even the most mundane and useless 'How are you?'... is honestly, not my choice.

Because you know well that I tried. Yet, I know too that you prefer we don't. That's probably one of the most painful ironies. To think that we were once so close, so supportive of each other that we could have become 'sisters', instead of 'ex-es'. We could have preserved that bit of honesty which could have been the thread to hold our friendship together even when the other ship sank in time.

But lies, guilt, fear, distrust knawed at the seams to form what is now known to me as regret.

Isn't it a shame? Isn't it? They have all never been my choice. But I hope you are happy with yours.

Over here, I'm still holding the fort. But I think you never wanted the key to this fort anymore. Once again, it's all my stupidity and naivety. Only this time, I'm not going to become even stronger from it, internalise the illusion of strength from it. There is no strength in being stupid.

Love me? Love the stupid me. Yet still always, always let me have the upper hand. And please, be patient with me.

Delusions bazaar

The thing is, I don't remember the dream, not the details. But I remember my response to the dream, when I was dreaming it.

I dreamt that he was ignoring me. He was beginning to ignore me. Apparently, for no reason. I also remember it was in a situation where there were many other people in the same room as we were. I was trying to tell him something. But he just ignored me. Like he couldn't be bothered, doesn't have the patience with me anymore. He just turned away. I don't remember why and I don't think there was a reason in the dream too.

I remember my response better. When I was dreaming that little dream, I made a mental note to sms him when I wake up. I even knew what I would write in that sms. "I dreamt that you started to ignore me and lose patience with me. I hate you."

But of course I didn't. Because it's a stupid thing to do. I meant, to sms him that.

So, Emman doesn't know, yet, that for a brief moment this morning, I had wanted to tell him I hate him because of a very short dream I had.