Linger

Could it be that I'm falling into you? Could it be that I'm getting lost into the way you look at me? Could it be that we have learnt to understand more of each other's gaze? Could it be that we see support, care and a sense of security in that moment of time?

Or is it because the departure is drawing nearer?

Perhaps it's all, or none. But, the inevitable has to happen, doesn't it? In a matter of good time. I have encountered the debut of that kind of problem. I would not have decided to make a move upwards, which then became your decision to make.

Because only you would make that decision. Which makes me know, yet again, that you are dependable. I can trust you, if I ever could decide to trust anyone. It could be you.

Of course I know I'm damn lucky. Damn, damn lucky, bitch.

A collection of regrets

As for you, for you...

There is, in fact, greater pain, greater hurt in life than losing you.

Than remembering you, than having you forget me. Than us forgetting how it felt like to hold hands together.

We always know that.

If I can begin to live with this regret, too, will that make it easier for me, for us? I will always, always wish you are not my regret. But, I too wished very hard once that you would stay.

Wishes do never come true. Is this even worth contending with?

I feel. I think. I blog.

If I know, understand and accept the fact that nobody knows what is in hold in the future, what will change and what will not... perhaps the real only essential question to ask is, "Do I want to risk believing?"

The shipment of faith is taking so long because I have not decided if I want to take the risk, the risk of being let down again by the cruel jokes life seems to always have in store.

If a decision can be made, I could put all my chips in. If only I knew how to decide this time round. I tried drawing on past experiences. After all, experience seems to be the best teacher. Unfortunately, in this case, experience is also a skeptical teacher. For I can't recall how. Did I really just make a decision, put all my chips in and fight to win?

Where did I misplace that jar of guts? For there have been many times, I was so close to making a decision. Yet, all those many times, I relented, declined, shy away, got distracted, procrastinated, held back, did not.

Your love makes me feel protected, safe and wanted. You can only guess how much feeling that way means to me. Your patience, your romantic ideals, your assurance, I see them all in your eyes and I feel them all in your touch. Why, then, don't I let you love me? Why, then, can't I let me love you?

You said I will know when I know. What if you underestimate how much a procrastinator I can be, how much a coward I can be, how skeptical I can be? Would I still know when I know?

I'm not in denial. We never fool the one in the mirror.