Delusions bazaar

Emman came to me and said he wanted breakfast. But he couldn't decide what he wanted to have for breakfast. So, I suggested instant noodles. I could cook him some instant noodles. He thought that's a good idea. So, I went to cook instant noodles for him. For his breakfast. He went out while I was cooking. I had no idea where he went but I figured he'd be back. He just needed to get something somewhere nearby.

When the noodles was ready, I looked around for him. I couldn't find him. I remembered the steam from the bowl of fresh, hot instant noodles. It was hot, but I couldn't find Emman to eat it. I figured he'd be back soon enough.

Then, I got a call from him. He said he was outside, said he was lost. He was at this Margoliouth Road. I said I know of this road name and I could give him instruction to come back. But he declined. He said he would get help from his colleagues in office. They would find the directions and tell him.

In the background, I felt there was someone else. I asked who he was with. He said it was a friend but later on, he mentioned a 'she'. So, I knew he was outside, lost with a girl. It didn't seem like he minded that he was lost. This is definitely not the Emmanuel I know. He seemed happy to be lost, together with that girl friend, not in a hurry to come home. The noodles was getting cold.

I think he knew I was upset. I must have sounded upset. But that didn't seem to bother him. He told me, unconvincingly, that he would be back soon. We hung up.

Suddenly, I saw him. But he was not Emmanuel. He turned into Desmond. I was like, "Who the hell...?"

xxx

I think dreams are sooooo farking damn good at displacing our fears and presenting them in an almost poetic way, in the way that we face it without trying to allay it, simply cos we have no means of controlling it.

1505

Day 5 of Six, which means I'm gonna have you back soon enough.

Today's your sister's birthday. A quarter of a century. I remember your quart-C birthday last year, I gave you the Salinger book and mis-wrote it as 'quarter of a decade'. I'm sorry that by that logic, you are only 3.5 years old now. haha

By now, it feels like you are only too busy to meet me up on weekdays nights. But we still talk every night, albeit via Hi-Card. And we still share our day, a thing that we do which means a lot to me.

By now, I believe the only difference is that we don't sms each other so much during the daytime. We keep everything to the one hour conversation at night. We don't meet for dinners. Yet, we still keep each other informed of what we had for dinner. Food is always an integral part of our conversations, aside from your lameness.

Hmm, so want to hug you. That's one of my favourite things to do with you, I'm sure you know.

Today will pass soon enough as we both attend our dinner appointments. Tomorrow, we will have dinner together. Already! And somehow, I already know what we will be eating. You can't miss your pilgrimage again.

1205

Day three of six.

I realised the most immediate thing that I have to get used to is that everytime I take out my handphone, thinking to sms you, I would end up putting my mobile gadget back in my bag and try to hold out till I call you at the end of the day. It's a simple gesture but one that always serves to remind me that you are away.

There would be the uncertainty in not knowing where you would be, what you would be doing at a point in time. The consideration of the cost of your sending a sms reply. Hence, if it's not something urgent (and it's rarely anything urgent), I would hold till I call you at the end of the day.

The last 2 days, when I called you, it was more difficult to hang up. Yesterday was better. Possibly because I could hear you yawning, more than a few times in 15 mins. Your bioclock is working to Singapore time.

And somehow, knowing today is already mid-week, it makes it better. But I don't know it's better because I'm gonna have you back soon, or it's better because I realise my 'one week singlehood' is gonna end soon. haha

One of the best things in having you... one of the things I like to do most with you around... must be looking up at you and smiling into your eyes.

1005

Why does it have to be so expensive to send sms or receive calls from Sgp when you are in Indon?

Throughout the day, things happen, moments happen... time passed. And during which, some thoughts I told myself I would tell you when I call you tonight. I was collecting things and thoughts to tell you. I wanted to have so much to tell you. But, you know how my memory works. It fails me, beyond my control, sometimes.

Maybe just hearing your voice made me forget all the trivialities. Maybe I was so much more eager to know how you spent your day, made me forget all my trivialities. Even maybe cos of the wasted bottle of bird's nest. I would really have just opened it and finished it there and then. With all due respect, there's still no way I would let some silly customs take away a bottle of bird's nest. It's not terribly expensive. But I took a long time to decide on which to buy, 'cos there were so many different kinds. Luckily the salesman was patient and kind enough to share with me his knowledge and offer some helpful opinions. I must have spent about half an hour in that shop.

But it's ok. It's not the bird's nest I miss. I can buy you that again, when you are back. Then, we will share it. Just you and me. Too bad about your folks.

It's not the bird's nest I miss; it's you.

Would have so much preferred to talk just awhile more. But, my memory lapse meant I didn't know what to say. It would have been just too senselessly expensive to hold on to the phone and keep quiet. Unlike if we were both in Singapore.

The irony? When we are both in Singapore, I always prefer to go to sleep than to linger on the phone.

It's just Day One of Six. I have a busy, packed tomorrow. Day Two will pass quickly enough.

Good night, silly...