Reduced

Perhaps I just dislike being stereo-typed, the all-girls-are-like-that type.

Perhaps in my first relationship, I was like that. Maybe even in my second shot at a relationship. Maybe then, I haven't learnt. But, in my past relationship and the current one, I really, really believe and trust that I'm not.

I don't make a fuss out of things not being done when I don't voice out my expectation that they be done. I don't blame my partner for not being able to read my mind. I am fully aware that if I want something bad enough, I have to say it, make it known. I don't believe in people reading my mind, anymore. I don't say that it's OK not to do something and then, change my mind and blame my partner for not knowing that I changed my mind. I try very hard to be consistent and reasonable.

It's actually quite hurtful when, on one hand I'm trying not to fall into the 'girls-are-all-like-this' category, I don't get the feeling that Emman actually believes and trusts me on the other hand. Sometimes, I think my boyfriend is perpetually scared of me turning into a crazy, unreasonable, childish, spoilt girlfriend-bitch. Everytime it happens, my mind auto-switches to dig into the past to find if evidence of me turning into that monster-girlfriend even exists. Alas! My memory is not fantastic. The result? I end up feeling perturbed, unjustified, belittled and sad all-in-one.

Actually, our quarrels and conflict mostly come from we wanting each other to be happy, and that's cos we do love and care for each other a lot. Somehow, the resulting responses or reactions always come out wrong.

I hate feeling like a lousy girlfriend. The only reason anyone seems to need to break off a relationship. And I've had less reasons given to me before. People don't actually need a reason to leave the person who loves them, I've learnt. Sometimes, that reason is love itself. That scares the hell out of me.

metaphors

She referred to her boyfriend as 'her dictionary of great things'.

I started to think. Not too long, just a moment. I thought, "That's sweet." Then, I thought that I should have something like that for my boyfriend too.

Great things ought to be counter-paired with small things. The smallest detail can bring about the greatest success; the smallest error can cause a great misfortune. Small things, simply, matter.

Especially so if my small things are laughter, amusement, amazement, certainty and dependability (which some would consider to be a huge thing)... also annoyance, irritation, puzzlement, sarcasm.

A long time ago, which is long only because of the accumulation of experience, and not the passing of time, I imagined my boyfriend to be someone who always has something for me to learn from or learn about, someone who makes me feel secure and safe, who can laugh easily with me. I guess I forgot to imagine he's also someone who could be talented in irritating the hell out of me, (almost always) during the times that I feel irritable, someone who often does/says things that fazes me, who is so different from me in ways that sometimes daunt me.

Now that I need not imagine any longer, and have some in my wish-list coming true (Be careful what you wish for), I know that size doesn't matter. (hmm...)

See how I run off tangent.

My Emman, the sillyyou... a constant annoyance and happiness in my life - My Encyclopedia of Small and Silly Things.