A missing skill
Last night, I cried for a very uncommon reason. I realised I have a serious missing skill in managing my emotions when I feel uncertain and thereby, insecure.
Emman is back home in Jakarta. Yes, 'home' being an ambiguous concept here. He said I always 'act up' and gets moody when he's back in Jakarta. Yes, 'always' being only 2 times, but which makes up about 67% (becos in '09, I think I did not act up.. But dun trust my memory). In effect, I always end up making his home vacation less enjoyable and more stressful.
I wonder why. I continue to wonder. No, it is certainly not that I want to sabotage his vacation. It is also not that I don't understand that he needs to go back to his parents. Of course, I understand that. I fully grasp how much it means to him and his parents, even though he seems to think I don't. I chose not to go along. Work is a reason, but much more cos I don't want to invade on the precious week that his parents have exclusively with him. So, of course I do understand the intentions behind his going back.
Then, why the unhappiness?
Is it because, though through no fault of his, it was so difficult to get connected with him? Or, that he couldn't really talk at free will to me, like he would when in Sg? Or, did I miss his presense so much that I got overwhelmed with my own expectations, which could not be met?
He's been on work trips without me too. Why, I wonder, have I not experienced the same unsettledness during those trips? Why do I only get moody and touchy when he goes back home?
Was it true that I do not know how to express missing him and hence, end up badly communicating and arguing with him? Was it really true that I felt he's different when he's home and that unsettles me?
Could the answer to all these lie in a deeper lack of confidence in myself? Or insecurity? Or, just a dislike for uncertainties?
Maybe, deep within, I am always insecure with the fact that he may decide to leave, for good.. To uphold his duties and fulfill his obligations as a son of his parents.
That is a silly notion. Even I think so now. But a silly fear is still a fear.
A mistrust. That could be something to work on. A distance. That ought to be something to be managed. A feeling of 'not good enough' for his parents. That might just put everything into perspective.
I cried because I was upset and disappointed with myself and my feeling of inferiority. Not because of him. It's always oneself who can hurt one the most.
At such times, I really think my boyfriend would do well to take a break from me. At such times, I don't like myself much too.
Emman is back home in Jakarta. Yes, 'home' being an ambiguous concept here. He said I always 'act up' and gets moody when he's back in Jakarta. Yes, 'always' being only 2 times, but which makes up about 67% (becos in '09, I think I did not act up.. But dun trust my memory). In effect, I always end up making his home vacation less enjoyable and more stressful.
I wonder why. I continue to wonder. No, it is certainly not that I want to sabotage his vacation. It is also not that I don't understand that he needs to go back to his parents. Of course, I understand that. I fully grasp how much it means to him and his parents, even though he seems to think I don't. I chose not to go along. Work is a reason, but much more cos I don't want to invade on the precious week that his parents have exclusively with him. So, of course I do understand the intentions behind his going back.
Then, why the unhappiness?
Is it because, though through no fault of his, it was so difficult to get connected with him? Or, that he couldn't really talk at free will to me, like he would when in Sg? Or, did I miss his presense so much that I got overwhelmed with my own expectations, which could not be met?
He's been on work trips without me too. Why, I wonder, have I not experienced the same unsettledness during those trips? Why do I only get moody and touchy when he goes back home?
Was it true that I do not know how to express missing him and hence, end up badly communicating and arguing with him? Was it really true that I felt he's different when he's home and that unsettles me?
Could the answer to all these lie in a deeper lack of confidence in myself? Or insecurity? Or, just a dislike for uncertainties?
Maybe, deep within, I am always insecure with the fact that he may decide to leave, for good.. To uphold his duties and fulfill his obligations as a son of his parents.
That is a silly notion. Even I think so now. But a silly fear is still a fear.
A mistrust. That could be something to work on. A distance. That ought to be something to be managed. A feeling of 'not good enough' for his parents. That might just put everything into perspective.
I cried because I was upset and disappointed with myself and my feeling of inferiority. Not because of him. It's always oneself who can hurt one the most.
At such times, I really think my boyfriend would do well to take a break from me. At such times, I don't like myself much too.
posted from Bloggeroid
